Pursuing a romantic relationship with someone is inherently subject to change. If one fails to win the affection of their desired partner, they experience “the suffering of not getting what they want”, according to Buddhist teachings. This is a common source of misery for many lonely individuals. Even if one succeeds in winning their desired partner, the outcome can still be unpleasant. As the years pass, the person may begin to age, and the once-strong bond between the couple may weaken. The man may seek the company of younger women, leaving his aging partner to suffer the pain of separation from the one they once loved. In Buddhism, this is known as “the suffering of separation from the liked”.
When multiple individuals pursue the affections of the same person, conflict is likely to arise as they compete for the attention of their desired partner. This desire to possess the one they long for can lead to “the suffering of association with the disliked” as they hurt one another in their efforts to win the person over. Regardless of whether they succeed or fail, the pursuit of their desires can lead to negative emotions and suffering. Attempts to suppress these emotions can only exacerbate the situation.
Many are left feeling lost and frustrated, unable to understand why they are suffering or find anyone who truly empathizes with their pain. They may even come to believe that love is not worth pursuing at all. In Buddhism, this is known as “the suffering of five grasped aggregates”. In addition to these, there are four other sufferings in the mundane world: the suffering of birth, aging, illness, and death. Although these may not be external to the individual, they cause suffering, nonetheless. When the body fails to function normally or when death approaches, both physical and emotional suffering can occur.
Previously, we discussed the suffering caused by external changes, which can be painful to experience. However, internal changes often bring about even greater suffering. When you cannot obtain what you desire, you may still have the longing for it in your mind. This is why people often say that the most attractive girl is the one that you cannot have. Nonetheless, the pleasure of pursuing a desired partner fades once you have won their affection. Similarly, when your career fails to go as planned or as you had hoped, you may still have the motivation to try again or feel envious of those who have succeeded. However, once you have achieved success, your drive for success may dissipate, and the feeling of accomplishment may lose its luster.
Why does this happen? There are two reasons for it. Firstly, after successfully pursuing a person, you may realize that they are not as special as you once thought. Secondly, as humans, we tend to become bored aesthetically once we obtain what we desire. For instance, a small amount of marijuana can produce a euphoric high initially, but over time, heroin may become necessary for the same effect. Similarly, a small amount of chili pepper can cause a burning sensation on the tongue initially, but tolerance to the heat can develop with regular consumption. Love stories follow the same pattern. When two people fall in love at first sight, their excitement can cause sweating, trembling hands, and blushing faces. However, this passion typically fades when time goes by years, months, or even a week.
When your happiness relies solely on external factors, it's inevitable that you'll eventually grow tired of those things. At that point, finding happiness through external means again becomes difficult. It's common to see successful individuals turning to Buddhism later in life, as they come to the realization that the things and experiences they once believed would bring them lasting happiness have failed to meet their expectations. They begin seeking a deeper understanding of happiness that goes beyond material possessions and external achievements.
Materialism can lead people to believe that everything they experience in life will automatically disappear after death. This belief may cause people to consider suicide as a way out when the pain they experience seems unbearable. The assumption is that there is nothing beyond death, including any suffering. Unfortunately, this can lead individuals to naively view suicide as the ultimate solution to their struggles. For example, Leslie Cheung, a well-known actor in Hong Kong, ended his life by jumping off a building, and Haizi, a poet famous for his poem "Facing the Sea, with Spring Blossoms," took his own life on a railway.
What if death is not the end? According to Buddhism, death marks the beginning of a new cycle, and the degree of suffering experienced by a person can be much greater than in life. This is a profound tragedy, the most devastating experience one can face. It is a fallacy to believe that there is nothing after death, a view widely adopted in practical life, but never proven. In reality, such notions are foolish and the biggest lie ever told. They are spawned by materialism and can have disastrous consequences, which are unimaginable.
At the core of every sentient being's desires is the pursuit of happiness. This is a universal goal that even materialism aims to achieve. However, the materialistic approach is inherently flawed and ultimately futile. Those who subscribe to this belief are destined for suffering because they seek happiness from the external world, which is constantly changing and ultimately disappointing. In the end, their pursuit defeats the very purpose of their endeavor, leaving them with a sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction. This suffering persists not only in life but also beyond death. In fact, the situation only worsens after death.
The essence of both the tragedy of life and death is that life is inherently hopeless. When we are young, we are encouraged to have big dreams and high aspirations. We believe that hope will sustain us through the years. However, as we get older, we often fall short of our goals. Look around at the elderly people in your life and ask them what they set out to achieve when they were young, how far they got, and if they're satisfied with their accomplishments. Ask them to be honest.
There are many elderly people who have retired around us. At first glance, one might assume that these retired elders would enjoy a happy life in their later years, but in reality, they do not. I have seen what actually happens to the elderly a lot. Before retiring, they could find pleasure in their jobs. This is especially true for those who held positions of power because a sense of authority could bring them pleasure. However, once they lost that, they were left feeling like walking corpses. They hope they could gain some comfort from their children, but their children are busy with their own work and life. What is left for the elderly and retired is a great sense of loneliness and sorrow. Adding to that, their illnesses make their lives even gloomier. Life ends up being the most miserable thing that they did not wish to encounter.
A true practitioner of Dharma will not suffer from the pains of old age. Some elderly Dharma practitioners find more happiness in practicing the Buddha's teachings than words can describe. They do not care whether their children visit them or not, and if their children do come, they will be good hosts but want them to leave soon because they find peace and quietness in their own company. Why do they act like this? It is because through their Dharma practice, they can find inner peace without relying on external stimuli. They can see beyond what is immediately in front of them, and the joy they experience is incomparable. They do not need material possessions or power to find happiness because it is already within their own minds.
Meditation enables one to experience a profound inner pleasure that is difficult to put into words. This pleasure can be realized both in theory and practice, which I will elaborate on later. Buddhism has a tremendous positive impact on our lives.
Excerpted from: Buddhist Worldview and Modern Life
